Father Hunger

That these people could really stop

whenever they wanted.

I couldn't.

I snapped at a word

a look

a person's presence.

I can't.

I even know why.

Most people don't.

but even in the knowledge I can't stop it.

Even though I want for all the world to close that chapter of my life I can't. I'm scared. It's been a part of who I am too long. An essential part of how people understand me. I wonder if they would think of me the same way if they didn't know. I wonder if I could possibly hide it. I wonder at so many things. I never felt anger before this. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know if I could really let it all go when it's thrown in my face constantly. Or is it? Is it only me hitting myself between the eyes? I lick wounds with acid. They never go away. I feel a consuming fire burning within me and it is definitely not the one they talk about in church. I don't relate to anyone there anymore. I don't relate to the youth. I feel as if my life is coming to close because of the seeming preparation I have for it. Like the child whose dreams just before her death teach her to have an understanding far beyond even her father's age. I will fight this. I don't know if I'll win, but I'll fight this. I don't want to be the life that teaches all to live life to the fullest. I don't want to be the one to die in the fullness of youth with everything in the future going for them. I don't want to be that person. Why do I feel I'm going to be? It seems a heretic thing to say, but I feel as if I'm cursed. Like someone, somewhere, really hates me and wants me to die a slow and painful death. How can I fight it if I don't even know from where the evil comes? Or is it really evil? Is it the good fighting an evil me? Am I the one at fault? Lately it seems I might be. I might be turning darker by the second. Personally I think I'm just letting more out than I did before. That the people are getting to know a deeper level, a darker level of my personality. I think I got fed up with the rainbows and flowers lie that people seemed to believe of me. I wanted them to see me for who I am and now they are and I wish they had never caught the glimpse. People have a habit of blowing things out of proportion. If they think the slightest bad, it's all bad. Just like one apple spoiling a barrel. I can't seem to handle this. I'm barely controlling myself from blowing up in somebody's face. I break down over and over again. I don't know what's wrong with me. It can't be just the one thing. It just can't be. And yet even with all the other things it still doesn't seem like enough to break me down like this. Somebody needs to help me but nobody can. I'm the only one who can get me out of this mess. And I just don't know how. How can I even serve what I believe to be my calling and help people if I keep breaking down like this? That's like a patient performing surgery. It just isn't done. What am I supposed to do?